Heartbreak

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"You're a survivor for the phone call that tore you apart"

                                                   -Matthew West, Survivor 

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It's hard you know? It's not just a break up; it's memories and emotions being unfolded. No matter how long you've been with them. Not only is the person gone-but the feeling, the memories, part of you. Gone. That's what makes it so painful. Everyday it gets harder and harder, but also easier and easier. Everything you do now may not feel the same. It's not just a break up, it's so much more. You may even feel like everything is your fault that you made them leave or that you just weren't good enough. That's so far from true.

Here are some tips to make it through a break up:



Distract yourself
Add some distance
Share your feelings with someone
Change your routine. For example wake up 10 minutes earlier.
Avoid doing things that trigger memories of them. Like listening to 'your' song.

Music

Jesse Labelle - Heartbreak Coverup

Demi Lovato - Give Your Heart A Break

Bon Jovi - It's My Life

Jesse Bonanno -Never Alone

Jesse J -Who You Are

Howie Day- Collide

Tips from WikiHow

• Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively. Go ahead and mull it over, as many times as necessary, within reason. Consider all the reasons you two broke up. Even if it sometimes seems as if there wasn't a good reason, there certainly was one - and probably more than one. Understand that you enjoyed being together for a while, but if the relationship was not what both you and your partner wanted for life, it would have ended eventually, no matter what. In this case, better sooner than later. Thinking about the reasons why it ended can make it much clearer to you that it takes two people to start a relationship, but just one discordant person is enough to end it. It may also help you avoid many missteps in the future if you can identify areas where you contributed to the demise of the relationship.
• Don't rethink your decision. If the breakup was your decision, keep in mind that only thinking about all the good times you had with your partner may cause you to forget the reasons why you broke it off. By the same token, try not to second-guess the situation if the decision to end things was not yours. It's very common to romanticize the good parts of the relationship, convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren't so bad after all, that maybe you could just live with them. Or that maybe if your ex would know just how you feel, he/she wouldn't want to break up after all. Don't play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and work on moving forward.
• Keep your space. Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, break away completely from each other right after the breakup. This means not seeing each other, not being around his/her family members, no phone calls, no e-mails, no text messages, no Facebook, and no IMs - not necessarily as a permanent measure, but until you feel that you can converse with him/her on a purely platonic level, without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back together counts as an ulterior motive). If he/she tries to convince you to see him/her, ask yourself honestly what the point would be. If you're reliving the past by seeing him/her, it's not hard to get caught up in the moment and it will be harder to let go again. You may have to have some contact in order to deal with the practical aspects of things like moving out, signing papers, etc., but try to limit this to what's absolutely necessary, and then keep such calls/meetings short and civil.
• Cope with the pain appropriately. It's okay to feel like you have messed up - acceptingresponsibility for your mistakes or shortcomings is healthy. On the other hand, you must also accept that you are a good person, and that you did your best and you're not the only one who made mistakes. Of course, a stage of denial is completely natural, but acceptance is the key to being able to start moving on.
• Deal with the hate phase. This is when you want to just scream because your rage feels boundless. The amount of anger you feel depends on how antagonistic the split was, the circumstances, and how long it took to make the final break. You may resent your ex for wasting your time. You may realize that the breakup was inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed to notice at the time). You may even feel a lot of anger towards yourself, but let go of that feeling fast! It's a waste of time and energy to rip yourself apart over something you no longer have the power to change. There are so many positive things you can do with your emotions and energy. Although it may feel good to replace your feelings of love towards your ex with hate, this can still lead to complications and mixed emotions of love and hate which are never a good thing.
• Write all your feelings down. Write in a journal or try writing poems. The most important thing is to be absolutely honest and don't edit yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing it all down is that sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as you are pouring it all out onto paper. Patterns may become clearer, and as your grieving begins to lessen, you will find it so much easier to understand valuable life lessons from the whole experience if you've been writing your way through it. No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you're meant to be.
• Make a list of reminders. One of the best tricks to help you stick to your resolve is to make a list of all the reasons your ex was not the one for you. Be ruthless and clear––this is not the time to be forgiving. What you're doing is creating a picture for yourself that will call up an emotional response when you feel tempted to think that "maybe if you just did this or that, it would work out..." Write down what happened and how it made you feel, being clear about the things you never want to feel again. When you find yourself missing your ex in a weak moment, and think you might actually be getting too close to the telephone, get out this list, read it over a couple times, and then talk to yourself, "This is the truth of what it was like. Why would I want to go back and torture myself again?" If you're caught in a low-self-esteem trap, thinking you don't deserve better, imagine this happening to a friend of yours, and think what you would say to your friend: "Get as far away as you can! That relationship was no good for you!"
• Out with the old, in with the new. A breakup can signify a new beginning. Therefore, cleaning and organizing your personal space will leave you feeling refreshed and prepared for the new things to come. A mess can be overwhelming and depressing, and will just add to your stress level. The added bonus is that keeping busy with tidying your space doesn't require a lot of brain power, but does require just enough focus to keep you from recycling pain. Occupying yourself with such tasks designed to make your life better and easier will also occupy your mind enough to help you through the residual pain. Clean your room, get some new posters, clean up the icons on your PC desktop. As insignificant as cleaning up sounds, it'll make you feel better. Personal tip: Don't throw away stuff they given you or something like that. Put it in storage, avoid throwing it away.
• Remove memory triggers. There are all kinds of things that remind you of your ex––a song, a smell, a sound, a place. Once the grieving period has had some time to process, don't dwell on painful feelings or memories. There are probably things that are pushing your buttons without your conscious recognition. Try walking around each room in your house with a box and removing things that make your heart ache or your stomach turn. Really focus and look carefully. You may realize that the little blue bird-shaped box sitting on the mantel has become pretty invisible for the last couple years, but when you take a conscious look at it, you notice that every time you turn towards that corner of the room and it catches your eye, you feel a sharp little pain in your solar plexus. It can work wonders to clear your space of all these triggers. If you have a keepsake, such as a watch or piece of jewelry that was given to you by your ex, and it's a reminder of the good aspects of your relationship, there's nothing wrong with keeping such a thing, but for the time being, try putting it away for later, when you've given yourself some time and space. Put these reminders far away from you, such as in a box in a place you'll never go. Out of sight, out of mind.
• Find happiness in other areas of your life. Whether that means spending time with your friends and family, signing up for that class you've always wanted to take, or reading every book on the New York Times bestseller list, remind yourself that a relationship is one part of life, but even when you are in one, there are personal pleasures that you can always enjoy on your own. Indulge in those things now. As they say, the best revenge is living well.
• Stay active. Exercise improves your mood and alleviates depression, and the distraction will help keep your mind off your situation. Go running outside, visit (or join) the gym, or just go for a walk, maybe with a friend, and think of releasing the anger or sadness with every step. If you don't exercise regularly, here are some ways to motivate yourself to work out:
• Do something small, right now. Going all the way to the gym, or getting decked out in your jogging gear, or doing whatever it is you feel you should be doing obviously seems like too much work. So just do ten push-ups or jumping jacks. Easy. And usually, it's just enough to get your heart rate going a little bit, and make you feel like a little more exercise wouldn't be so bad...
• Get halfway there. If you want to go to the gym, but just don't feel like it, at least just drive yourself to gym, and tell yourself that if you still don't feel like working out, you'll go home. Odds are, though, once you're there, you won't feel like driving home. (But if you do, that's okay too. But you probably won't.) Then tell yourself you'll just walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes, even if your exercise routine involves much more. Just telling yourself to do one more thing, without having to commit to anything else, will make things much easier. And before long, your endorphins will take over.
• Let go of the negative emotions. Understand that there is no benefit in holding on to heartache, regret, and hatred toward another person. Realize that although it is over, your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways. You can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn't work out this time, there will be a next time.

Stay Close, Don't Go

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                                                     You Don't

♫ Only Know You Love Her When You ^ Let Her Go ♫

Note: If you been through a recent break-up it's recommended you do not read this article.

Many people believe that if you truly love someone you will do anything to make them happy, even if it
means letting them go. These people are what I like to call wrong. If you truly love your partner you will do anything to make them happy, but if you love them more than you love yourself you won't let them go. You will do everything in your power to get them to stay and make them happy again.

My girlfriend and I got into a fight, I over reacted and snapped like always. I hurt her real bad. She almost left. It's almost been a week since. We haven't really talked. She's mad and confused and unhappy. I fought though to get her to stay I begged and pleaded. I got her to. My point? My point is that If you really love the person you will give up everything to get them to stay. It's more then that though. It's a lot more.

Everyday she struggles (I know this boring, just stay with me it the good advice comes soon.) and I have to look into those eyes that once shined with joy but are filled with so much hurt and pain you have to squint to see the joy.

Got 'Em Back Now What?

Fix it, don't throw it away. No matter how hard it is.

Now you work your damn ass off. You put your happiness aside. You make this
person feel like they are the last living organism on this planet. You make up for what you did. The hardest and most scariest part is giving them space. Because they might leave, but it's time you stop being selfish. In relationships there are times when everything falls apart and you're on the verge of losing each other.

My Advice?

You have to move on. Give each other space whether it's limited contact or not talking for a few days or a few weeks. But keep in mind that if neither of you attempt to move on to put these negative feelings aside you will never be happy together. I recommend two weeks of not talking at the very most, after that let things be normal. If you start thinking of what happened push it out of your mind and replace it with happy memories. Just remember that in every long lasting relationship their is always one time when one or both of you mess up so bad you guys are virtually done for. But you need to get up on your feet and realize that one or both of you messed up you need to stand up and realize that their sorry. Take their hand and be brave. Go against your better judgement give them a second chance by letting it go. This doesn't mean you have to just stop hurting and or be mad or even forget about it. You just need to realize it's in the past. Think of it like this. If you are reading a book and a major conflict happens to two of the major characters but the author just keeps writing that same chapter over and over and over rewording things maybe adding something new here and there. The story never got to move on because the author didn't let the characters move on by the end of the book it's too late. Maybe it's because they were afraid. Just keep in mind that if your partner is insane for you to the point where they would take a bullet for you without thinking about it they are hurting just as much if not more than you are because they hurt the one they love and care about the most. So My Advice? Give each other an entire week without talking or a few days (aside from maybe a text here and there/being there for them) than make up. MAKE things normal again. If you don't you're only causing more pain for each other and putting the relationship at risk. You have two choices at the end the two weeks (at most I suggest) let your relationship die with all the memories knowing you could have fixed it, but you decided to throw it away because it was 'broken' or 'damaged' or put all your effort and strength and faith into making it normal again. It may take time for it to be fully normal but if you just leave it and say "let time do it" it won't because YOU BOTH need to do it. And most importantly believe and never give up hope.

Personal Message To My Love

No words could ever make up for what I did for what I said. Nothing could express the guilt and pain I feel  And when I mean normal I don't mean we FaceTime as much or text as much or that the pain and anger is gone. What I mean is that when we do FaceTime things are as they were before. You being silly and bubbly. That's what I want the most. That is the only thing I want right now because that is what I love the most about you that is why this is killing me. That is all I want for Christmas...all I want in general. It's impossible for me to say this but I will say it and I regret it already, but I won't FaceTime you until Saturday night. Because then maybe just maybe I will get my Bubbles, I don't expect you to be Bubbly every time but just being able to know that at least  once a week you'll be bubbly will ease to pain so much. I love you...and I am sorry I question everything right now. I have faith in us and  I will do anything I can to heal the pain and get you bubbly again. I love you.
because of this. There are no words known to man that express how sorry I feel and how it tears me apart seeing you like this. I've said sorry at least a 100 times. I do not deserve forgiveness nor will I ask. My only wish right now is for things to be normal on Christmas Eve and Day. For happiness and the power of love to take it's course. Time is what is needed. I don't know what I can do or say that will make the pain stop. I'm sorry. You are the best thing that's happened to me. Whenever we FaceTime and I see you smile and do a silly face it's like my entire world lights up and all the pain disappears now there is only darkness. I'm slowly starting to see the light. It still tears me apart it tears me apart that things aren't the same that you are hurting and that I was the one who caused it. I try and try and try to give you your, but it's difficult when you have so much guilt you feel like taking your own life to make things better. I haven't cut once, I've stayed strong for you. I am doing everything I can do to make up for what I did. Whenever you don't text me I feel like you don't want to talk and maybe that's true. I just want you to know that I NEED things to be normal by Christmas Eve the thought of us being like this breaks my heart our first Christmas together. I'm always here for you. I am always your Hun. I love you Eden...please let's try to be normal...

I guess this is may way of trying to fix things trying to get things to be normal as they can be at the time. 

♫ "Have I ruined all you've given me?

I know I've been selfish, I know I've been foolish
But look through that and you will see

I'll do better, I know
Baby, I can do better

If you leave me tonight, I'll wake up alone
Don't tell me I can make it on my own
Don't leave me tonight
This heart of stone will sing till it dies

Sometimes I stare at you while you are sleeping
I listen to your breathing
Amazed how I somehow managed to
Sweep you off of your feet, girl, your perfect little feet, girl
I took for granted what you do

I'll do better, I know
Baby, I can do better" 

♫  — feeling sad.

                                              

                                                      

我爱你 -It Means "I Love You"

This article is dedicated to a special someone. My fiancee Danielle. Baby Girly.

Where do I start? Should I start by telling you how sorry I am for all my wrongs? Or by telling you what you've done to me, or maybe, just maybe I should start with an I love you.

I love you, Danielle. No words can express my love for you. You have done so much for me. You have always been there for me. You have done so much more than you think for me.

A Broken Heart Healed

Can you believe It's been 701 days since we started dating? I sure can. I love you. When I met you I was shy and had a very fragile heart. You didn't know this at the time, but you still held my heart with care. Whenever I had an urge, struggled to stay strong, or just a bad day. I could count on you to make me better. You taught me how to be positive. Because of you I have not attempted suicide in over a year. You did what no other women could have done. Healed my broken heart. I put you through so much and a lot of people would break under all that stress, but you didn't.

Remember When....

We fell for each other? Yeah I remember that night. Staying up all night texting and all a sudden getting a funny (but good) feeling.

Or when we first met? Hehehe I took a lot of effort not to kiss you in front of 1000's of people <3

Or when after my race when I was in shorts and freezing (because It was like -5) you asked if holding my hand would help make me warmer and I  almost said "No." because I didn't get the hint right away.
Haha that was funny.

Or that time when we made out in your moms van in the front seat and other runners were walking up the hill staring at us. Then their is that time when we were playing footsies under the table and you said "Are we playing footsies?" in front of my grandparents, parents, sister, and your mom? And right away the table went silent? Haha that was funny....but not at the time! >:O

You're So Weird!

Danielle: Do I have a brushing my teeth addiction?
Adrian (Me): I can’t comment on that…
Danielle: Well I guess I’ll have a relationship with my tooth brush then.
Adrian (Me): …

❤Love Knows No Distance❤

We live 595 km (369.7159 miles) apart. They said we wouldn't last. They judged us. We proved them wrong. 

Why I Love You

I love you for countless reasons. The reason I love you is because

your weird. Yes weird. I love it when I just give the "Um, okay?" look. You can handle a joke too. The biggest reason is because your different. You can be girly, but you can also be tomboy (okay not really "tomboy", but just not really girly). You let me see a side of you that most girls would NEVER let their partner see. So here's to you Baby Girly, Happy one year and 11 month anniversary!

Our First Photos

Are you sure I didn't smell in this one? I ran 11km (6.83508 miles) and forgot to put on deodorant.Oops!

    

  

Canadian City Commits Low Scale Terrorism On It's People

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OUTRAGED

*For privacy reasons the name of the city has been altered*

On June 5th, 2013 James city dumped manure to get rid of the homeless. Yes that's correct. The city dumped loads of manure by a homeless camp located near a Salvation Army to get the innocent homeless people to move.  This disgust me. We are living in the 21 centenary and how do cites deal with the homeless? By dumping manure to get rid of them. James isn't the only city who has done this. 

Pastor Jesse Wegenast, with the 5 and 2 Ministries, refers to the incident as “low scale terrorism” against the homeless.

"This is absolutely obscene and quite honest, it’s pretty indicative of how homeless are treated in James. We see this with the aggressive campaign to destroy camps."

People can't afford houses in James because of the prices. There are about 200 homeless people. This makes me outraged. These people are treated as if they are worthless. Please enlighten my how this okay. How the FUCK is this okay?! This is wrong on so many levels The city it's self should be helping those people not getting rid of them by a foul smell. It sickens me how a first world city would treat it's people like that. These people have it hard as it is. What is wrong with this world? When are we going take a stand and say NO!? The city manager apologized for this, but it's going take a lot more then an apology to make thing right.

Astonished/Contest (Win 100 PROMOS!)

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Am I Reading That Right?

So of course I started this blogger so I could write about stuff that's on my mind well feeling like so people would actually care. Among others reasons that I talked about in my first article.  I was really hoping that people would check out my blogger. Little did I know that within a couple of months I'd get over 1,000 views excluding myself. Don't believe me? I can't say I blame you. So I decided to prove it to you. 

Contest

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So since I started this blog I felt I needed a catchy titled that would draw others attention  So I decided to name title it "Inside My Mind" because It sounds interesting catchy and my articles are about what I think.  I think it's time to get a new tiled though; So I am holding a contest.

Details:

Create a title no more then five words and not shorter then two.* The winner the of the contest will get 100 promos they can choose when I promo them and what type(s) they want. Can't think of a catchy title? That's okay, because I am choosing two winners. The first winner will be whoever creates the best title. The second is whoever gets the most people to visit my blog.** Both winners will get 100 promos each. I have 4,801 followers since this was posted.

*You can many words has you want, but try to aim for 2-5.

**I can tell where my traffic source is coming from. This means that if I post a link on my Tumblr and I get ten clicks I will see that those ten people came from my blog.

Rules:

• Must comment on this article leaving your URL and which contest you would like to enter. 

(Best Title OR Most Visits)

• You will have until July 1st. 2013
• You may get others to help you, but only you will get the 100 promos
• No stealing others ideas
• Send me all titles by messaging me on Tumblr OR commenting.

Wreck This Journal

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Something Is Wrong With Me

So for Christmas my beautiful fiancee gave me the book Wreck This Journal, But I haven’t touched it because I don’t want to wreck it expect the whole point of the book is to ruin it. What’s wrong with me?

It seems really fun, but I just don't want to ruin the book. I'm also really bad at drawing or doing anything art related so I feel like It would end up being really crappy...

My Life Story

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Childhood

Overall my childhood was pretty good, except for a few minor things.

One day a kid was pissed off at me for no reason so he stabbed me with a pencil. Before he stabbed me he sharpened it to make it sharp. He stabbed me so far in that the pencil tip was about 1 mm away from my spine. He pulled it out really fast. I found out it was that close to my spine when the doctor said I had lead in my back. Surgery was too risky so they left it. It was not enough to do any damage, however for the next few years you could see a black line in the middle of my back.


Another day, I was going to see why my friend was in the hallway during class time. So I walked up to the doorway and rested my hand on the door frame. My fingers were between the hinges and the door. He slammed the door on my fingers His illogical reason? "I didn't want him stealing my food."

This is where I had my fingers.

This is sort of what the door
looked like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Few Years Later...

 

The top of the hill.

Birds eye view of the hill.

When I was a little bit older I was with a friend, who
I played with often. He showed me his new Bionicle and I really wanted it. He told me I could have if I went down a huge hill on my bike which still had training wheels on it, so I did! The hill is on an angle all the way down. My front wheel hit a big rock and due to my speed at an angle I ended up going up in the air spinning. I landed on my back with the wind knocked out of me screaming for his help. He ended up going in for dinner. Luckily I wasn't hurt besides a few bruises.

 

This is a Bionicle

 



A view of the hill from the bottom.  Credit to Google Images, Google Maps, Google Street View, and Google Earth for the photos.

Middle School

For reasons I'd rather not say my parents and I moved to Calgary. This was great because I was a lot closer to my cousin. My home life was pretty good, but sadly my school life wasn't. I was bullied a lot at school, and I did not feel very welcomed. I only had a few friends. Guys would scare me in the hallways by staring me down as they walked by and then jumped towards me. Girls weren't that nice to me either. About 90% of girls looked at me with disgust. One week during gym we were learning how to dance. We each had to be paired up with the opposite gender. Then we would dance to the song that played and switch partners. The guy would hold out his hands palm up. One girl refused to take my hands. Everyone was staring, and I silently begged her to just take my hands, but she didn't. The teacher told her to take my hands, but she still wouldn't. He started yelling at her to take my hands, which didn't make me feel any better. Even her friends told her to just take my hands. Literally everyone was staring at me, and my face was beet red. This did major damage to my self esteem. She was eventually sent to the office, and I was excused from the dance.


After a little bit more drama (mostly cyber bullying) I was walking in front of my school wearing a ski mask because it was winter, and it was cold. Calgary, Alberta has an average temperature of -25 Celsius (-13 Fahrenheit) in the winter. It's also very dry. The snow turns to ice over time. While I was walking people started eyeing me. I got scared, so I quickened my pace. When I looked back they were following me. I started running, and they chased after me yelling, "Terrorist!" I ended up slipping on ice. The next thing I knew they crowded around me and started kicking me. I yelled and begged for help, but nobody helped. There were people around, but they didn't. After a while, the bell rang, and I was able to kick the people who didn't stop assaulting me. I was in tears, and was so scared. A few minutes later my friend took me to the office. After sitting in the principal's office crying my eyes out I calmed down enough to tell him what happened. I was able to Identify a few of my attackers who ended up telling the principal about the rest. One of the kids, who happened to be my friend was in my class, so he had to write me and my mom and dad an apology letter. I think everyone should have gotten a larger punishment.

Because the school was so horrible we moved to my current location.

(Names have been changed.)

About a year later, I dated a girl named Rebecca. She was one of my best friends. I didn't know her very well but I felt like there was something good between us. I was sure she loved me, and a few weeks later I asked her out on Facebook, and she said yes, and I was so happy. The next day I went to school and my ex who broke up with me and got back together with me eight times after finally ending it for good got off the bus and called me a man whore for dating her "best friend", who wasn't actually her best friend because they barely hung out. Rebecca didn't act like a girlfriend. She acted like a friend. Three days later my friend Tesa told me that Rebecca only said yes so she didn't hurt me. I ended up finding out that almost everyone knew this. Tesa was the only friend that had the kindness to tell me. I talked to Beth about it who was both mine and Rebecca's best friend. She didn't know about it either. She told me to talk to Rebecca about it, and it took me all day to get the guts to. When I finally did, she just stood there biting her lips. She didn't speak to me or look into my eyes. Later that night I started listening to depressing music. I also ended up cutting for the first time. The next day I told Beth about it. She ended up helping me because she had experience with cutting. I was freaking out about it, and it got infected but it eventually healed. A few weeks later I cut three times. It hurt, but the cuts weren't deep. It became an addiction for me, and I ended up cutting whenever I had an urge. The cutting made me feel depressed, and I felt like nothing was right. I remember sitting in my bed in the night wrapping a belt around my neck trying to choke myself. I tried eight times. A few months later Tesa found out that I was cutting. She didn't judge me, but she told me I needed to stop. She would get upset at me when I would cut because she really cared. She made me tell a couple of kids in our class who we were good friends with. I'm still not sure what her real reason was. A couple months later, I cut my wrists. I ended up showing Tesa the cuts. During last block Tesa started sobbing. She wouldn't tell anyone what was wrong, so our teacher got the counselor. A while later Tesa came back with the counselor.  She asked me to come to her office, and I had a bad feeling about it.

"Adrian....Your friend Tesa is really worried about you...She says your cutting. Is this true?" the counselor asked me.

"Yeah...." I replied.

"Can I see?" the counselor asked me.

"Um, Okay" I replied.

After looking at all my cuts, she asked if I had any on my private areas. I told her I didn't, which was true.

"A lot of people come to me and think that I can't tell anyone what they tell me, and a lot of times that's true, but by law there are some things I have to tell people's parents about." the counselor said.

"What If I say I won't ever cut again?! Please...please don't tell my parents!" I begged her not to tell my parents. They are the last people I wanted to know about my cutting...

"That would be really nice if you did stop, but I still have to tell your parents." the counselor said.

I said "okay," and left her office. The bell rang, and I told Tesa that I was really mad at her for telling the counselor.

Her exact response was,"I thought that would happen. I'll understand if you don't ever wanna talk to me again."

She risked our friendship for me to get me to stop cutting because she knew I wouldn't on my own. After that my heart dropped, and I knew I couldn't go back home. I told her that I forgave her and ran to find Beth. I wanted to run away, but I had to say good bye first. Beth told me I couldn't run away and that I had to go straight home. I said "okay," but that was a lie. I ran away to a trail, and I was freaking out the whole time I ran. Mom and Dad were expecting me to be home by then. When I got to the trail I sat down in the bushes and called Rebecca.

This is exactly how the conversation went:

"Hello?" Rebecca answered.

"...." I didn't say anything.

"Hello?" Rebecca asked.

"Hey um." I cleared my throat. "It's um....me Adrian.... Rebecca...I-I-I r-r-ran a-away...." I said.

"Yeah right! Where are you?" Rebecca asked.

"......" I didn't say anything, and took a big gulp. "I can't tell you...I really did run away." I started to tear up. "I'm sorry."

"Adrian wait! Adrian?!" Rebecca frantically asked.

I couldn't go on with the phone call, so I hung up. Then I pulled myself together and called Tesa.

"Adrian? I really can't talk. I'll talk to you at school tomorrow." Tesa said.

"I won't be at school!" I said.

"What...?" Tesa asked.

"I ran away...." I replied.

"Adrian that isn't funny!" Tesa yelled.

"I just wanted to call to say that it's not your fault." I said.

"Adrian where are you?" Tesa asked.

"I can't tell you that...I'm sorry" I replied.

Tesa started to cry, and that felt horrible because I didn't want to hurt her.

"Adrian, What's your home phone number?!" Tesa asked.

"I can't tell you." I replied.

"PLEASE! Just tell me!" Tesa yelled.

I ended up telling Tesa my home phone number, and then I hung up because I felt like if I didn't hang up I probably would have given in and told her where I was.

I got up and started to walk. A while later I got a text from Tesa.
The text said, 'Adrian, the police and Mr. Brick (Our principal) is looking for you.'

I didn't reply. I turned my phone off, and when I turned it back on I noticed a text from Mr. Brick that said that everyone is really worried about me. I replied and told him that it wasn't true. He texted me back and said that there are three R.C.M.P. Officers with two dogs, a helicopter and, my mom and dad, my aunt, uncle, and Tesa looking for me in the pouring rain. 

I shut off my phone again and decided to walk across a huge field that was 1 kilometre across. I wanted get by some  trees, but as soon as I walked up to a fence leading to the trees I noticed it was a barbwire fence. I got my jacket and covered my hands to jump over. My shoes got a little bit wet, but  it wasn't a big deal. When I got over the fence I noticed there was a mini flood that I hadn't seen when I was climbing the fence. I decided to head back because it was too much water. By this time, I was cold and wet. I headed back to the main part of the trail where there was an old abounded house, so I decided to stay on the back trail to avoid people. I then saw noticed my dad. He headed toward me, but I booked it, which was a close call. I ended up seeing one of my teachers, but I played it cool and nodded and gave a friendly smile. He didn't know I ran away...thank God. When I got into the house I turned my phone on. I got over 200 text messages from family and friends and one text from someone I didn't know.

The text from someone I didn't know said, 'Adrian, I'm Cpt. Mick'

'What's a Cpt?'

'I'm a Police Office'

My heart stopped. I thought it couldn't get any worse, but I was wrong. They were tracking me. I looked out the window and saw a police cruiser driving by slowly about 100 meters away. I backed away, and they didn't see me. Because I was near mountains they couldn't get an exact fix on my location. A while later my aunt ended  up finding me and took me home. An Officer came to the house and asked me if I knew who told him I ran away.

 I told him "Yeah. Mom and Dad."

The police officer answered "No. It was your friend Tesa."

 No one knew what happened to me besides Tesa, and she called the police. I can't get her smile out of my head, not because I still have feelings for her (I had a major crush on her at this time), but because of everything she did for me.

During the summer I met a girl named Danielle (Real name.) We started dating, and she knew I self-harmed. Each time I told her I cut, she would cry and beg me not to do it anymore. One day at camp I met my ex and I was pressured into making out with her. It felt good, but then the guilt came. That night I broke a pop can and went into the washroom and cut the inside of my elbow as deep as I could without screaming. It killed me to do that because I knew it would hurt her.

High School

One day at school I found a piece of glass. I was going to cut my wrist until I bled to death, but my friend Beth grabbed me and tried to stop me. She yelled at some of our friends to help, and I had three people trying get the glass away from me. I had an urge every English class, which I get once everyday day. I don't know why I got it in English class, but one class in September I couldn't take it anymore. I had a really bad urge and I went to the washroom and broke the metal part of my pencil that held the eraser and cut my wrist. I only stopped because the bell rang, and I had to get my stuff. I made a promise to Danielle that I would stop by November. That was two months away, and I did it! I still get urges and it's possible I always will, but they are so small, and I rarely get them. I was cut free until a couple days after November of last year. I also relapsed a few times In 2012.

In the summer of 2013 I broke up with my girlfriend and started dating a girl named Eden. Who I was crazy for. We were a great couple.

Late October we had a fight and things started to fall apart. On November 27 I was part of the tech crew for my school play (I was doing the lighting). During the break the police showed up at my school and arrested me under the mental health act because I was planning on killing myself and refused to get help. I ended up spending the night in the ward. I hated it. I was stripped of everything. I ended up lying the next day to the Doctor to get out. A few weeks before Christmas things between Eden and I got better. Three days later she broke up with me. She ignored and lied to me a lot. I had trouble moving on I was depressed and struggled a lot of self-harm. A couple months later during one the worst snow storms of the year I had a fight with mom and dad and locked myself in the bathroom. I wouldn't respond to dad or mom. Dad threatened to break the door down so I climbed out the window onto the roof and jumped two stories. I ran about a block to my friends house in nothing but socks, sweat pants and a hoodie. He left me stay their since it was awful out. I told his mom I'll be back in 30 mins. I was running late when I was on my way back from the church and I ran into my parents I bolted and jumped a fence into someones yard. At this point I had a hat, shoes and gardening gloves. About an hour later I went to a strangers house and ask for socks. He ended up giving me a ride to a motel across town after we drove half a block to some strangers house who I said was my aunt. I made up a story about how my car broke down and I forgot my cell in it. When he questioned why my aunt wouldn't answer the door I made up another story about how she is an alcoholic. All nearby motels were full. Hench why he drove me across town. The next morning the police were banging on the door. They found me. I later found out search and rescue were involved. A family member made a missing person post on facebook and it got over 1,000 shares. Most of which were strangers. People cared and knew I ran away. No one I knew brought it up. Not even work. About two months later I was told by an Anonymous user on Tumblr she told me to go kill myself. When I asked her she didn't deny it. Something snapped and I hated her. I was able to move on. With the help of my followers I was able to gain good self-esteem. I am currently almost fully over my ex and no longer suicidal. 
Cutting did not help me. It made my life horrible. No matter how long you cut for, you can always stop. It's all about the will power. Please do not ever turn to self-harm to cope. Self-harm isn't just cutting. That was just my way of self harming. There are many ways to self harm. If you know someone who does self-harm you should help them. You can save their life. I would not be here right now if it wasn't for my fiancee Danielle. That is a fact. I help people who self-harm, who are suicidal, who struggle with love, addiction and everything else. My name is Adrian. I was 14 when  I started going through hell. I am now 18. I relapsed earlier this year. Recovery is hard, but it is so worth it. Life is so worth it too. If you or anyone you know needs or wants help and advice I am ALWAYS here for you with anything. Whether you want to talk about your day or you want to die. I am here.

General Teen Help (any subject/crisis)

24-Hour National Crisis Hotline: 1-800-448-3000

Covenant House Nineline: 1-800-999-9999

Cutting / Self-Harm

Hotline for Teens who Cut: 1-800-366-8288

Self-Injury Website

Healing Touch Self-Injury Website

Runaway Services / Shelter

Family Youth Interventions: 1-810-758-7040

Runaway Assistance Program (RAP Line): 1-800-292-4517

Suicide Prevention

National Youth Crisis Helpline: 1-800-999-9999

National Adolescent Suicide Hotline: 1-800-621-4000

Teen Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-949-0057

"They Saved My Tumblr..."

REMEMBER YOU CAN COMMENT/REQUEST ME TO WRITE AN ARTICLE ANONYMOUS IF YOU WANT. I'LL WRITE ABOUT ANYTHING.

A HUGE thanks to the following people: 

Alli & Tracy. These two knew almost right away that something was off and went to work right away. Well Tracy contacted me by email and text-ed called my TextNow number alerting me that my account was compromised and was willing to do anything to help me get it back. Alli started commenting on every single post that was made alerting everyone of the fact that it wasn't me or my mom. Oh and we can't forget Gabricade who sent out a group message to the Time2Recover staff telling them what was happening. A huge thanks to everyone else who joined in!

I am forever in your debt.

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REMEMBER YOU CAN COMMENT/REQUEST ME TO WRITE AN ARTICLE ANONYMOUS IF YOU WANT. I'LL WRITE ABOUT ANYTHING.

 

THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN UPDATED.

What Happened....................................1
Are you okay?.......................................2
What about my privacy?.....................3
Details....................................................4
Time2Recover.......................................5

1

To whom it may concern,

Hi everyone, I am posting this here so there is no concerns about if I am who I say I am. My name is Adrian I run Your-Recovery-Is-Possible and am the head admin and founder of Time2Recover.

On May 5th at about 10:24 p.m. (PST) my account was compromised . It is unknown how it was compromised or why. From what I read on my blog someone someone logged onto my account and started posting text and photo's claiming to be my mother and that I was hit by a drunk driver and died. This is has not one bit of truth. I was awaken by numerous text messages, a phone call and a couple emails alerting me that my account was compromised.  Unfortunately I did not have access to a computer to take action until the morning. I am perfectly okay. I am extremely sorry for what happened. Thank you all for your concern. Everyone who has had known contact with the "hacker" will be contacted.

2

I am okay. I am a little shocked and concerned for my account, but I have the good faith that everything is okay. I lost a few followers due to this event. Other then that there was no damage had been done I cannot express my sorrow for everyone who thought this was real.

3

Any personal information that was shared with me is saved into a secured file on a hard drive and is deleted from my inbox. Any personal messages from users who are off anonymous are responded to which therefore prevents anyone else from reading them. According to my message history there was no personal informational or messages that were shared with me before and or during the attack. In other words your secrets are safe.

4

The only details I have is that someone logged on or "hacked" into my account at about 10:24 P.M. (PST) and saying I was dead and that they are my mom. Anyone who got close to what was really happening were messaged with very offensive language telling them to back off. I have contacted the local police and there is nothing they can do. I have sent an email to Tumblr Law  with details. I am awaiting a reply.

5

Do to my account being compromised NO ONE will be contacted by Tumblr until Sunday May 12th. Please note that this event has posed no security risk to any information that has been given over Tumblr or any other means of communication. This is purely a precaution to avoid any personal information getting out. If you have any concerns please feel free to contact me by Tumblr or by email.  Emails will still be sent out to those who requested to be contacted by email. If you wish to be sent the accepted/rejection letter by email instead of Tumblr then message me on Tumblr.